she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
