my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
