just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
