I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
