Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Randomize
