Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
