I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
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