You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
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Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
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Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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