You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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