come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
