I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
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She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
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She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
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