my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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