By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
