thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
