I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Drunk is not a location!
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
