you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
