New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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