Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
