I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
