so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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