I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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