Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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