so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
