Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
