Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
