Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
