Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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