Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My ass is underappreciated
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
