remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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