true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
