I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Randomize
