if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
