Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
