Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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