I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
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Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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