it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
