just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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