Umm I'm too high to move.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
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Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
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Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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