I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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