i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
