So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
