I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
