I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
