I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I need to align my fucking chakras
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
