She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
