We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
