I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
