What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
