he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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