OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
And the cops told us we were all naked.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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