Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
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Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
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Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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