I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
