We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We have started to decorate penises.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I AM VODKA MAN
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
