and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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