Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
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