I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
