I bet he comes in French.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
if only i could text you this smell
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I want a musical about memes.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
