Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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