I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
