the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
